Not in the mood for listening to music I turn off the car radio. Sitting in this silver Pontiac, this parking lot gives a home to this abandon run-down building. Years before this building had life and business was booming at one time or another. At this time the Halloween decorations would have been replaced by Thanksgiving ornaments. What a department store this was in the 90s. A real nationwide retailer of clothing, electronics, toys and so on. But in the 2000s sales declined all the way down to the bottom of the ocean and couldn’t stay above drowning from bankruptcy. The time on the radio read 5:45 PM but it felt like 2 AM. Past daylight, savings time my least favorite time of year. I pull the gun out from my all black Xersion jacket. 38. Special snub-nosed nickel-plated. I point the short stubby barrel under my chin I cock back the hammer and pull the trigger. Would the bullet exit out from the top of my head and penetrate through the ceiling of my car? Possibly let’s go backward instead of under my chin at the roof of my mouth. Would be left looking like a PEZ dispenser, a real dismemberment I’d hate to be the crime scene cleanup crew. Cock my thumb back. I look like such a moron with my two fingers in my mouth good thing no one is around to see me in my moment of foolishness.
The sound of the heat flowing through the vents of the car can’t provide me the sound to create a rhythm in my head. It had to be 80 degrees inside and about 30 degrees outside. As I turn off the heater I lock with my own eyes through the rearview mirror. Those dark eyes my greatest enemy they drift off to the right staring out the back seat window. As if they were contemplating life. “Imagination still running wild I see,” said the eyes. “You still having those conversations with yourself?” “When you were 6 it was cute having an imaginary friend now as an adult you come across as delusional.” The dark eyes lock again piercing through my soul. I know those eyes very well they no longer carry on the childish confused look. That twinkle it once had no longer shines brightly. The shadows of negativity, anger, and guilt overclouded the dying light. “Your boy is back here Charles, the same way you remembered him.” He would call me Charles, he knew it would upset me, was nothing close to my actual name. “Hey stop.” In a scared whining child’s voice, creeping up from the back seat. I refrain from turning my head back.”Just let me do it, it’s ok I’ll take it from here. I’ll end it all right now we can move forward.” The eyes trying to convince my mind. I look away from the rearview mirror, staring at the steering wheel. I hear the child’s voice whimper. The whimpering stopped until I heard the grunt of a man. Like he was using all his force and strength to end the child from existence. I then bow my head with my eyes closed. Thinking to myself we were only kids. There was nothing I could do I couldn’t save him. “You’re such a coward, you knew you could have done a lot more than just stand there and watch him being taken”.I start to grind my teeth, my eyes open wide I let out an angry scream full of energy, shame, and guilt behind it. I start to punch the steering wheel with both of my fists. The Horn going off with each punch landing in the center. In a rage, I grab the wheel with both my hands and start to yank on it. As if I had the strength to completely pull the wheel off with my hands. The intrusive, thoughts let out a chuckle. “That’s how I love it, you fucking deranged animal!” “Check the time Charles you don’t want to be late, their waiting on you.”The time on the radio showed 5 minutes to 6:00 pm. I get out of the car and start walking towards the side of the building. I’m not going in alone the shadows that drag me down and overloud my mind follow along. They call me Charles.
Dark Coffee 